General Jokes

Why were there only 1,000 Mexicans at the Alamo? They could only get one car started.

Do you like neckties or henways the best?

What's a henway?

About five pounds.

What's brown and lies on the piano? Beethoven's last movement.

Did you hear about the farmer who was outstanding in his field?

I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I'm thinking about you and I'm getting excited." She said "Who is this?

When playing 20 questions, Yogi Berra, on his nineteenth question asked "Is the subject living?" Told that he was, he asked "Is he living now?"

When asked whether he'd like his pizza cut in six or eight slices, Yogi replied "Make it six. I'm not very hungry tonight."

"Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" "You mean now?"

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"Never make predictions, especially about the future."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"This is deja vu all over again."

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded."

"Ninety percent of this game is half mental."

"Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked."

The other day I called in sick. My boss said "You can't call in sick without a doctor's excuse." I said "All right, I'll be playing golf."

One time the doctor told a lady to take a milk bath. She called the dairy and ordered a milk bath. The man at the dairy said "Would you like that milk pasteurized?" The lady replied "No, up to my neck will be fine."

I went to my doctor and he told me I needed an operation. I said "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said "All right, you're ugly, too!"

Why don't they have Daylight Savings Time in Lebanon?

It's too much trouble to reset all those time bombs.

While we were shopping, my six-year-old daughter pointed to a magazine that had Princess Diana on the cover. "Who is that?" she asked. I answered, "That's Diana, the Princess of Wales." My daughter thought a moment and said, "Did we see her at Sea World?"

A man came home from work and saw his wife standing naked in front of a mirror, admiring herself. "My doctor says I have the breasts of a 25-year old," she said. "Did he say anything about your 50-year old ass?" inquired the husband. "No," replied the wife, "your name didn't come up at all."

Teacher: "Use the word 'I' in a sentence."

Tommy: "I is.."

Teacher: "No, Tommy, you must say 'I am'."

Tommy: "Alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Everyone made fun of PooPoo Boudreaux. They would all chant his name "PooPoo Boudreaux, PooPoo Boudreaux," and laugh and laugh! He finally had enough and decided to change his name. So, one day PooPoo paddled his pirouge down the Bayou to the clerk of court's office in Swampwater, Louisiana.

After hearing his name, the lady at the desk said that she could understand his wanting to change it, and what did he want to change it to?

"PooPoo Thibodeaux" he replied!

A scientist was investigating the jumping ability of frogs. He put a frog down, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped 15 feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with four legs jumps 15 feet."

He then cut off one of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped ten feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with three legs jumps ten feet."

He then cut off another of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped five feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with two legs jumps five feet."

He then cut off another of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" and the frog jumped two feet, so he wrote in his note book "frog with one leg jumps two feet."

He then cut off the last of the frog's legs, said "jump, frog, jump" but the frog didn't jump. He said "jump, frog, jump" again, but the frog still didn't jump. So he wrote in his note book "frog with no legs can't hear."

Three ropes walk into a bar. They hop up onto bar stools, one of them hollers, "Bartender, three beers!". The bartender looks over at them and growls, "We don't serve ropes in this bar, get outta here!"

Dejectedly they slither off the stools and out the door. But they don't give in to prejudice easily, so they go into the next bar down the street and hop up on bar stools, one of them says, "Bartender, three beers, please!". This bartender looks them over, then he says, "Sorry fellas, I don't serve ropes in my bar". They slither out to the street.

Really dejected now, two of them are ready to call it a night and go back to the farm, but the third really wants a beer. So he goes down an alley in back of the next bar, slithers up the wall and into the bathroom window, stands in front of the mirror, and twists around until he has a knot tied near one end, then he leans against the wall and rubs the end with the knot against it, until it looks to him like he has a head and hair.

Satisfied with his appearance, he goes into the bar, hops up on a stool and says, "Bartender, how about a beer?". The bartender glances, looks, looks again, says, "Say . . . aren't you a rope?"

"Nope, afraid not!"

It was a sunny Saturday, and the bus to Sesame Street was beginning its route. At the first stop, two young girls got on. They were both quite a bit overweight. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Hi! What're your names?" "My name is Patty, " replies one. "So is mine!" says the other.

The bus driver tells them to go sit in the middle of the bus. He continues to the next stop, and a boy gets on, saying "Hi! My name is Ross, and I'm special because it's my birthday today!" "Hi Ross! Why don't you sit down right up front then?" the bus driver says, and continues on his route.

At the third stop, another little boy gets on. "Hi little boy, what's your name" the driver asks. "My name is Lester Chin . . . And I have a bunion, see?" Grossed out, the bus driver tells Lester to sit at the back of the bus. In the mirror, he can see Lester picking at his bunion.

Finally, the bus arrives at the gates to Sesame Street, and the driver stops at the checkpoint. The guard steps on the bus and says, "Hi, I'll need a passenger list before I can let you in." So the driver says, "Okay. Two all beef patties, special Ross, Lester Chin, picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

A New York cab driver picked up an Englishman at the airport "You're British, right?" "Indeed," replied the tourist. "Well, here's a famous American riddle for you. I'm thinking of someone who has the same father and mother as I do, but is not my sister or my brother. Who can it be?" The Brit frowned, tugged at his mustache, and after a long pause replied, "very well, I give up -- who can it be?" "Me," the driver laughed. The passenger thought a minute and then began laughing along with the cabbie. After returning to his home in England, he decided to try the riddle on his friends. "While traveling in the States, I picked up this delightful American riddle: I'm thinking of someone who has the same parents I have, but the person is not my sister or brother. Can you guess of whom am I thinking?" The group thought, tried various possibilities, and finally gave up. "Stymied! Of whom are you thinking?" He flung his head back, slapped his knee and laughed, "He's a New York cab driver!"

A handsome young fellow came walking into the bar and sat down next to a good looking blonde. "Tickle your ass with a feather?" he asked her. "What did you say?" she responded. "I said it's particularly nasty weather" he replied. She finished her drink and departed. Later a good looking, long legged brunette walked in and set down next to him. After she had ordered her drink and had a sip he learned over and asked "Tickle you ass with a feather?" She replied, "Excuse me!" "It's particularly nasty weather" he said. She too left after finishing her drink.

A drunk who had been watching and listening to this strolled over and asked "Hey buddy, what's going on here?" The young man told him to be quiet and just watch and listen, this was how he picked up all his dates.

Later, with the drunk back in a corner, paying real close attention, a real good looking redhead walked in and sat down next to the young man. Just before she ordered he asked "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "Sure", she replied and they departed together.

The drunk thought hell, I can do that so he strolled over to a good looking young lady and ask "Stick a feather up your ass?" "What!", she hollered. "Pretty damn cold outside isn't it?" he replied.

This lady was a big fan of Elvis. And to show this, she decided to go and get a tattoo on her upper thigh. She went to the tattoo parlor and had it done. When the guy finished she look at it and said "That is not Elvis, it looks more like Roy Orbison! I'm not giving you a penny!" The tattoo guy tells her that he'll make another one on the other leg and she would only have to pay for one. She agreed. When he finished, she said the same thing and that she wasn't going to pay for either of them. The man says "You're gonna have to pay for one of them. How about if I got a total stranger off the street, and if he says one of the tattoos looks like Elvis, then you will have to pay for one of them." She agreed, again. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like, and the man said "I don't know who the two twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

Paul was a decent guy, generous, outgoing, and fairly good-looking, but for one thing. He'd been in a serious car accident, and they hadn't been able to save his right eye. To complicate matters, his insurance didn't spare him enough money for a glass eye; rather than leave an empty socket, he elected to make one of wood. Well-painted, it suited him as well as a wooden eye could. But it still kind of spooked people.

One day, Paul's school had a little mixer. He spent the night standing against the wall, as he always did at these things, while people said hello and smiled, but never asked him to dance.

Just as he started asking himself, as he always did, why he ever bothered coming to these things, he saw her. She was beautiful, radiant even in the dim flashing red-and-blue lights. Amazingly, she, too, looked as though she was holding up the wall. Wondering why on Earth anyone in the school would leave her alone, he took a second look and noticed, peeking out from beneath the hem of her dress, the tip of a false leg next to the real one. Unable to understand why this should scare anyone off, he summoned up his courage and crossed the room. She turned to smile at him shyly.

"Excuse me," he gulped, "would you like to dance?"

A flush of excitement crossed her cheek. "Would I? Would I?"

Outraged, he screamed, "Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" and ran out of the dance hall.

A doctor was attending an out-of-town medical convention. He had heard about the world-famous almond daiquiri mixed by the bartender in the lounge of the hotel he was staying at & decided he'd try one.

Doctor (entering lounge & stepping up to bar): "Bartender, I'd like one of your world-famous almond daiquiris, please."

Bartender: "Gee, I'd love to make you one but we're fresh out of almonds. Can I get you something else?"

Doctor: "I'd heard so much about your almond daiquiri that I really had my heart set on one. There'll be a good tip for you if I can get one."

Bartender: "Well, let me search around & see what I can find."

The bartender goes to the storage room behind the bar & begins searching for almonds. No luck, but he does find a bag of hickory nuts. So he cracks some hickory nuts open & mixes a daiquiri with them. Then he presents it to the doctor, figuring he won't know the difference, anyway. Doctor (after taking a couple of sips): "Hmm, this is nice, but, you know, somehow it just doesn't taste like almonds." Bartender: "I'll have to make a confession: actually, that's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"

An Englishman, strolling through the Australian countryside on a hot afternoon, came upon a Sisters of Mercy Convent. He asked to come in and requested a cup of tea. The abbess gladly greeted and explained that the convent was famous for its special blend of tea, which it made by boiling the juice of the Koala bear.

The Englishman took on sip of the tea and spat it out, spluttering that the hair of the Koala bear was floating around on the surface of his drink. "Of course," explained the abbess, "The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

Two statisticians were flying together on a jumbo jet. As the jet began to taxi down the runway, the first man said to the other one, "you know, with all the terrorism that has been going on lately, I'm a little nervous about flying. What if someone put a bomb on this airplane?" The second statistician replied, "Relax. I've calculated the odds, and I've determined that there is only one chance in 1,000 that there might be a bomb on this airplane." "One chance in 1,000?," said the first statistician, nervously. "Those aren't very good odds." "Yes, I know," replied the second man. "But that means that there is only one chance in a million that there could be two bombs on this airplane." "Well," said the first man, "that makes sense, but how is that supposed to make me feel better?" "Easy," whispered the second statistician. "I always bring my own bomb!"

One day three statisticians decided to go moose hunting. They packed their gear and headed for the Canadian wilderness. The second day out they came upon a magnificent bull moose. The first statistician took aim and fired. His bullet cut a twig off of a tree branch just above the moose. The second statistician decided to try his luck, and his bullet knocked off a piece of bark from a log just below the moose. Just then the third statistician jumped up and shouted "We got him! We got him!"

A mathematician, physicist and engineer were each asked to investigate the truth of the statement "All odd numbers greater than 2 are prime."

The mathematician began: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. The statement is proved false."

The physicist worked at it: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is not prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime. The statement is true, within the bounds of experimental error."

The engineer struggled with it: "3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. Yup, all odd numbers are prime."

Right before closing time, a bartender in a college town noticed that both sinks in back had backed up and were full of water. At this point there were two customers left, a professor of engineering and a professor of mathematics. He decided that he needed some help, so he asked both of them to come in back. Each of them looked at a sink and decided to bail it out with a small bucket. The bartender thanked them and they left.

The next evening the bartender noticed that the sinks were backing up again, but this time he caught it early and closed the faucets, so the sinks were only half full. As it turned out, the same two professors were the last customers and he asked them for help again. The engineering professor immediately got his bucket and started bailing out one of the sinks. The math professor went to the other sink, turned on the water until it was completely full and then, having reduced the problem to one he had previously solved, bailed it out.

There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, "Hi, I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." The teller replied, "You need to see our loan officer. Her name is Patty Wack." So the frog hops over to the loan officer's desk and sits down. When Patty arrives she ask, "What can I do for you?" The frog says, "I'd like to take out a loan to fix up my pad." Patty ask, "What do you have for Collateral?" After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little foggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant. "This is a very unusual form of collateral." said Patty. "I'll have to check with the bank president to see if it's OK." Patty goes to the president and says, "There's a frog out there who wants a home loan and this is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?" The bank president takes the small white elephant and after examining it hands it back to Patty and says, "It's a nick-nack Patty Wack give the frog a loan."

A lady took her pet schnauzer to the vet. The dog had been scratching its ears something terrible. The vet explained that in some breeds of dogs, the hair inside the ears gets to long and must be periodically removed. He advised that she go to the drug store and buy a depilatory. When she got to the store, she discovered that there were several brands to choose from. Since she had never used a depilatory before, she asked pharmacist, "Could you tell me how often this needs to be applied?"

The pharmacist answered, "If it's for your legs, I'd recommend twice a week, if it's for your underarms, then once a week ought to be enough."

The lady then said, "well, actually, it's for my schnauzer."

"In that case, I'd recommend once every two weeks . . . but don't ride a bicycle!" replied the pharmacist.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With an hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend two days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only one day available for work, and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

"It took some users a while to come to grips with the intuitive way Windows works".

Boss: "Why aren't you working?"

Worker: "I didn't see you coming."

Psychiatrist's secretary: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."

Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend. "How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

Q: What do you call a camel without a hump?

A: Humphrey.

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object." Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?" "To get the best mark possible," said Paul.

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

Mini skirts give men manners. I never saw a man get on a bus in front of one!

Two Poles froze to death in a drive-in movie theater. They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

A Pole read that nicotine causes cancer in mice, so he hid his cigarettes on the top shelf, where the mice couldn't get to them.

The pediatrician was preparing to take a blood sample from six-year-old Tommy, who looked very scared. As the doctor came closer with the needle, Tommy started to cry. So the doctor, hoping to distract the boy, smiled and asked, "Well, Tom, what are you going to do when you grow up?" . . . and he stuck the needle in. Tommy replied, "I'm going to kill you!"

Mark Twain (1835-1910) tells the story of trying to get rid of a wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in the ash can, but someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back. "Finally," says Mark Twain, "I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it again."

A father was praying with his son at bedtime and the son was saying: "God, please take care of mommy, please take care of daddy, and goodbye Spot." Well, imagine Dad's surprise the next day when their dog died! A few days later his son was praying: "God, please take care of mommy, take care of daddy and goodbye Aunt Jane. The next day Aunt Jane was struck by a car and died. Next week he prayed: "God, please take care of mommy, and goodbye Dad." Well you can imagine how upset Dad was! The next morning he drove into work at 5:00 AM in order to avoid traffic, and he locked his office door and never allowed anyone in. He waited until ten that night before leaving and driving home. When he finally got into his front door, he said to his wife: "Honey! You can't imagine what an awful day I've had! His wife replied: "You had a bad day! The milk man died right on our front steps!"

Two supposedly senile men were committed to an institutional home near the sea. They were taken out one morning for a walk, accompanied by an attendant, Albert. As they strolled along the shore, a seagull flew low and dropped a blob of excrement, which landed right on top of the bald head of one of the elders. Albert saw what happened and said in great concern, "Wait right here. I'll get some toilet paper." As the attendant ran toward the building, one elder turned to the other, pointed toward Albert, and said, "He's a darned fool. That seagull will be a mile away by the time Albert gets back with the toilet paper."

College professor to class: "If there are any dumbbells in this class, please stand up." After a short pause, a strapping youth in the back of the room rose. "So, you consider yourself a dumbbell?" the professor asked. "No, Sir," replied the youth, "I just hated to see you standing there alone."

What Type Of Person Are You?

1 Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2 Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3 Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

4 Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

5 Impudent Person: One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs.

6 Unfortunate Person: One who tries very hard to fart but shits instead.

7 Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about pollution.

8 Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9 Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons.

10 Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames it on the dog.

11 Foolish Person: One who supresses a fart for hours and hours.

12 Thrifty Person: One who always has several good farts in reserve.

13 Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

14 Strategic Person: One who covers up his farts with loud coughing.

15 Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bed mate.

16 Intellectual Person: One who can determine from the smell of a fart the precise food items consumed.

17 Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18 Sensitive Person: One who farts and then starts crying.

Types Of People You Meet In A Washroom

Excitable: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

Cross-eyed: looks into urinal on the left, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.

Nosy: looks into next urinal to see how other guy is fixed.

Timid: cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.

Indifferent: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Clever: no hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

Worried: is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.

Frivolous: plays stream up and down and across urinal (tries to hit fly)

Absent minded: opens vest pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Sneak: farts silently while leaking, acts very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.

Childish: leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

Patient: stands very close for long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.

Desperate: waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Efficient: waits till he has to crap then does both at once.

Tough: bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Scientific approach: has to back up and take a long shot at urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Little: stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, and too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does."

The Nine Truths of World Religions

Taoism Shit Happens

Confucianism Confucious Say, "Shit Happens"

Buddhism If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen Buddhism What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism This shit happened before.

Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism If shit happens, you deserved it.

Judaism Why does shit always happen to us?

What are the two greatest lies in West Virginia?

"I didn't know she was my cousin."
"I was only helping the sheep over the fence."

Did you hear about the Polish Airliner that crashed into a graveyard? So far they've recovered 7000 bodies.

"Incontinence Hotline . . . can you hold?"

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat broccoli!

I got pulled over for speeding. The cop says, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be driving that long."

This fellow goes into a bar. He tells the bartender he wants some 18 year old scotch. The bartender doesn't have any 18 year old scotch, so he serves him seven year old scotch. The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want seven year old scotch, bring me some 18 year old scotch!" The bartender figures he made a lucky guess and thinks he can't do it again, so he serves him some 12 year old scotch that he had. The fellow takes a sip and tells the bartender, "I don't want 12 year old scotch, I said bring me some 18 year old scotch!" The bartender got mad at the guy, and so to get even, he pissed in a glass and served it to the fellow. The fellow takes a sip, makes an awful face and spits it out saying "That scotch tastes like piss!" The bartender says, "That's right, it is! Now tell me how old I am!"

A fellow went into a bar and ordered a beer. In a moment, a monkey came along and pissed in the guy's beer. The guy took the beer to the bartender and said "That monkey pissed in my beer!" The bartender gave him another beer. A little later, the monkey pissed in the guy's beer again. The guy went to the bartender and said "What's going on here! That monkey pissed in my beer again!" The bartender said "Hey, don't get mad at me, it's the piano player's monkey." So the guy went to the piano player and said "Do you know your monkey's pissing in my beer?" The piano player replied "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

Q. Why do Mexicans have such small steering wheels in their cars?

A. So they can drive with handcuffs.

Q. How do you know when a Polish girl is menstruating?

A. She only wears one sock.

Q. What's worse than lobster on your piano?

A. Crabs on your organ.

President Clinton and Vice President Gore were jogging around the White House one sunny afternoon when Clinton said, "Al, when I get back inside, I'm gonna rip Hillary's panties right off!"

"Jeez, Bill," said Gore. "I didn't know jogging turned you on so much."

"It doesn't," said Clinton. "It's just that they're starting to ride up on me."

Did you hear that Richard Pryor was holding a golf tournament to help Mike Tyson with his lawyer expenses. It was being sponsored by Legs Pantyhose. They were going to call it Tyson Pryor Legs Open.

A fellow suffered from a terrible flatulence problem, which was magnified by any situation which made him nervous. One evening, his girlfriend invited him over to meet her parents. Everybody gathered in the den, the parents sitting across the room from their daughter, and the young man. The family dog curled up, and fell asleep by his feet. As the conversation progressed, the father began to ask the boy about his background, and education. This resulted in an attack of flatulence.

The boy resolved to relieve the trapped gas slowly, so as not to make much sound. He succeeds in creating a dull whine, which virtually goes undetected, except, apparently by the dog, which cocks its ears and looks around.

The mother, apparently connects the impropriety with the dog, and shouts "Spot!". The boy is relieved. He figures future outbursts will be blamed on the dog, as well. Later the conversion progresses more toward plans for the boy's future. This, again, caused an attack of flatulence, which the young man released, this time a little bit louder.

Once again, the dog takes notice of the indiscretion. "Spot!" once again is heard, the young man once again figures his actions will continue to be blamed on the dog. Finally the discussion heads toward the boy's intentions for the girl, with special regard for marriage, providing a good home, and of course, children. This sends the young man's bowels into massive contortions, the upshot of which, is a loud, floor rattling fart.

By now, the mother on her feet shouting, at the top of her lungs, "Spot! Get the hell out of the way before he shits on you!"

A husband and wife were sitting at a bar when a drunk next to them passed gas. The husband exclaimed, "How dare you fart before my wife!" The drunk replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn!"

A Polish guy was vacationing on the Riviera. He was truly overwhelmed by all the beautiful ladies on the beach, but, try as he might, he couldn't even get one to look at him. In desperation, he went over to a Frenchman who was surrounded by the ladies and asked his advice. "I'll tell you what you do." said the frenchie, "Go out and buy the skimpiest bikini bathing suit you can find and put it on. Then walk up and down the beach, The ladies will flock to you". The Polish gentleman followed his advice, bought next to nothing briefs, put them on, walked up and down the beach, but still no ladies. He returned to the Frenchman and told him, "OK, now go buy a potato, and put it down in your bathing suit, then walk up and down the beach. The ladies will not be able to resist." Once again, the man from Poland followed his advice, but to no avail. So he returned to the Frenchman. The Frenchman looks at him and says "Now move the potato to the front."

Here are some funny sounding towns found here in the U.S.

Toad Suck, Arkansas Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Hot Coffee, Mississippi Noodle, Texas

Slap Out, Oklahoma Cut and Shoot, Texas

Gun Barrel City, Texas Pancake, Texas

Hell, Michigan Chicken Bristle, Illinois

Yum Yum, Tennessee Two Egg, Florida

Knockemstiff, Ohio Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Dry Prong, Louisiana Bug Tussle, Texas

Big Bone Lick, Kentucky Show Low, Arizona.

Barnacle Itch, California Possibly, Connecticut

Saccharin Falls, Nebraska Raisin, New Hampshire

Sari Sari, Wisconsin Promise, Oklahoma

Boltnut, Tennessee Moon, Texas

Squeaky Wheel, New Mexico Palette, Maine

Sponge, New Mexico Juice, Florida

Pungent, Montana West, Texas

Akalahoolawe, Virginia Albany, Florida

Spackle, West Virginia Paris, Texas

Crant Schniffle, Nebraska Rhome, Texas

A man comes home real tired from work one night. His wife rushes up to him and says, "Honey, there's something wrong with the car. Could you look at it right away?" The husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" The wife says "Fine!" and goes to bed.

The next night, the husband comes home tired again, and his wife rushes up to him. "Honey, there's something wrong with the plumbing. Could you look at it right away?" The husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Fix It?" The wife says "Fine!" and goes to bed.

The final night, the husband comes home even more tired. His wife rushes up to him and says, "Honey, I got the plumbing fixed. The plumber said in order to pay him, I had to either have sex with him or bake him a cake." So the husband says, "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The woman replies, "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

1960: "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?"

1970 (traditional math): "A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words, $80. What is his profit?"

1970 (new math): "A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?"

1980: "A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20."

1990 (Outcome Based Education): "By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)"

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the jungle?

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

A duck walks into a drug store and asks the clerk, "Do you have anything for chapped lips?"

The clerk replies, "Sure, try this" and hands him some lip balm.

The duck says "Thanks, just put it on my bill."

Next day the duck goes back to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Give me a box of condoms."

The clerk says "Do you want me to put them on your bill?"

The duck says "Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!"

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave

9. Wet-bonnet contest

8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

7. Buttermilk kegger

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale

5. Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns"

4. Cruise streets in Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers

3. Sleep in until six A.M.

2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some butt

1. Churn butter naked

This old man decides to go live in a retirement home. People wait on him hand and foot. They fix his meals, make up his bed, and whenever he even leans to the right or left, a nurse rushes over to straighten him up. His son visits and asks how he likes the retirement home. The man says, "I like it very much, except they won't let me fart!"

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!

Once upon a time, a man had an unusual problem in that all of his farts were noisy and came out making the sound, "Honda." He went to specialists throughout the country and no one was able to help. Finally, one of the doctors said he should go to Japan and consult with a Buddhist monk who was wise in such matters and could possibly help.

Having tried everything else, the man journeyed to Japan and went to the Buddhist monk. He described his problem to the monk, in fact, blowing one of his "Honda" farts in the middle of his description of his ailment. The monk excused himself, telling the man that he had to consult his books and meditate on the problem. About one half hour later, the monk returned and told the man that his problem was in his teeth--that it was apparent that one of his teeth was abscessed.

The man was livid saying, "I can't believe I came all the way to Japan to consult with you about my loud farts and you tell me it's my teeth that need fixing."

The monk calmly replied, "It is clear from the manuscripts that your problem is as I described. Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and Lewis, attorneys at law" "Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please" said the caller "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson passed away in his sleep last night" replied the receptionist. A few minutes later, she receives another call from what sounds like the same caller. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night." When the phone rings for the third time, she knows it's the same voice . . . "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" " Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your voice now, and I've already told you twice that Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night!" snapped the receptionist. "I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself" said the voice. "I just love hearing you say it over and over again."

An Italian Mother Writing To Her Son

Dear son,

Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home as we have moved. I won't be able to give you the address because the last Polish family that lived here took the numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address

About your father-- he has a brand new job. He now has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass in the cemetery

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too good. I put 14 shirts in it last week... pulled the chain and haven't seen them since

Your sister Mary had a new baby today. I don't know if it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle

Your uncle Dick drowned in a vat of whiskey last week at Dublin Brewery. Some of his fellow workers dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put the fire out

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Years day. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy one of our chickens laid the same egg 4 times

We got a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment on your grandmother was not paid in 7 days . . . up she comes

Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.

Two young people were making love in the cemetery. Just as they stripped and were panting in anxious anticipation, the guard showed up. "Hey, didn't you two see that sign when you came in? It says 'No Admission After 8 PM'." The boy looked up, stammered, and finally said "No . . . we saw the sign that said 'Get Lots While You're Young'."

Q: What's d(hi/ho)?

A: (ho d(hi) - hi d(ho)) over (ho ho)

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician each checks out a room at a motel. While they're all sleeping, a fire broke out in each of their rooms. The engineer wakes up, goes out and brings back a bucket of water and puts the fire out in his room and goes back to sleep. The physicist wakes up, takes out his calculator and finds the exact amount of water needed and puts out his fire. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, takes out her pencil and proves that the fire can be put out on paper and goes back to bed.

There were three pregnant Indian squaws. The first pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits down on a deer skin, says "ooh, aah" and gives birth to a son. The second pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits down on an elephant skin, says "ooh, aah" and gives birth to a son. The third pregnant Indian squaw goes out to the forest, sits between the two other women on a hippopotamus skin, says "ooh, ooh, aah, aah", and gives birth to twins. What's the moral of the story? The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides.

A dermatologist built his practice very deliberately. He started from scratch.

A newly graduated Doctor moved into a small town and set up his practice right on Main Street. The towns folk were horrified when they noticed the sign:

Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Homosexuals & Anus Disorders

The Town council came over complaining and demanded that he change the sign to a more appropriate venue, as this was a respectable community. The next morning, the towns folk were further shocked to see:

Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Queers & Rears

The Town council came over again, further complaining about his sign. All was peaceful by the third day however, when the towns folk saw:

Dr. Timothy K. Loon

Specializing In

Odds & Ends

Quasimodo wants to go on a little vacation, but before he can leave he needs to find a temporary replacement bell-ringer. He advertises, and one guy after another shows up and "auditions", but they just can't seem to produce the quality of tone Quasi is looking for. Eventually, one last guy shows up but he has no arms! Quasi asks "How to you intend to ring the bells?" The guy demonstrates by backing up and running head-first into a bell. The sound is great! Quasi is enthralled! The guy does it again and again. On his last try, he misjudges the swing of the huge bell and is knocked right out of the window, and he plumments to the ground and is instantly killed. Quasimodo hunches down the stairs to where a crowd has gathered around the body. He's asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

After Robin Hood died, Friar Tuck decided to buy a flower shop. But just a week after opening he discovered that some of his plants were wilting because of a bad ventilation job. So he asked his best friend, George, to put new vents in for him. George fixed the problem in about an hour, and charged the friar five dollars. But another week later the friar was discouraged to find even more flowers wilting. So he asked another friend, Tom, to re-ventilate the shop. Tom worked all day on the shop's ventilation system, but alas, one more week later, Friar Tuck saw that nearly all of his beautiful greenery was now ugly brownery. So finally he called his cousin's best friend's uncle, Hugh, to install new vents. Hugh spent over 3 days on the job, carefully placing ductwork all over and putting in new blowers and filters. He charged the friar an arm and a leg, but it was worth it, because in no time at all, the flowers in the shop were again healthy and bright. Which just shows to go you, Hugh, and only Hugh, can re-vent florist friars.

Two polish guys were sharing a dirty needle while doing drugs. A guy walked by and said, "Are you guys crazy? You could get AIDS!" With which they replied, "It's OK, we're wearing condoms."

Some pranksters actually went to the trouble to steal the toilet at the police station. Police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.

Do you know why cherry trees stink? Because George Washington cut one.

An Irishman dropped a piece of buttered toast and it landed butter side up, so he took it to the local priest and said "Father, Father, it's a miracle! I dropped me toast and it landed butter side up!" The priest examined it and saw that it was clean, so they both went to the bishop with it. The priest said to the bishop "Father, Father, it's a miracle! Clancy dropped his toast and it landed butter side up!" The bishop took the toast and scrutinized it in silence, first one side and then the other. Finally he handed it back to the priest and said "He's buttered the wrong side."

A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria. The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his stick?" "He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle. "Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?"

How many of you out there know Jack Schitt? We'll here's the story . . .He is the only son of Awh Schitt. Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnet married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They then had six children: Holy Schitt, their first born passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and Giva Schitt married that Happen Brothers. The Schitt-Happen children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hoarce Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a normal Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of their little baby Schitt.

Louise and her husband met at the commuter train for the ride home. He looked haggard, and she asked, "Did you have a rough day, dear?" "You bet I did," he answered. "The computer was down, and we had to think all day long."

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is." Then she went on to help the next student. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is Ted."

"Just give us a few days," the repair technician said. "When we have the parts, our computer will call your home to let you know." "I'm not home during the day," Mr. Smith said. "However, I do have an answering machine." "Sorry, sir" the technician said. "Our computer won't talk to a machine."

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?" His employees replied, "No." Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?" "His employees replied again, "No." Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?" His workers responded, "A puppy."

A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local paper. "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that most of your constituents think will control you?" "I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied. "I do not plan to take my wife to Washington."

There's no excuse for a husband not to know what's wrong with him. It's just that he hasn't been listening to his mother-in-law.

Shit Happens In Various World Religions

Taoism: Shit happens.

If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.

She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,

she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".

Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen properly."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

7th Day Adventism:

Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.

This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Have faith that shit will happen.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:

Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Conservative Judaism:

Why does shit always happen to us?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?

Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism:

So shit happens, already!

Islam: We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!

Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!

If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!

New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.

A firm shit does not happen to me.

This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

I create my own shit.

If shit happens, honor it and share it.

Sheeeeeeeeeeit!

Were all part of the same shit.

For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:

No shit happens until Armaggedon.

There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Here, we insist you take our shit.

Shit happens door to door.

Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Secular Humanism:

Shit evolves.

Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.

Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science:

When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Our shit will take care of itself.

Shit happens in your mind.

Atheism: I don't believe this shit!

Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

No shit!

It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

Religion from an Atheist's point of view:

I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

What is this shit?!

I don't know shit!

How can we know if shit happens?

You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.

Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)

Hey, there's more shit happening over here!

Our shit is better than your shit.

Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny:

Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist:

Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Let's stick some pins in this shit!

This shit's gonna get you!

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Unitarianism: What is this Shit?

We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.

You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.

Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish: Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.

Native Americans:

Shit is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Sushi happens.

Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?

Shit happens universally.

Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

We will make your shit happen.

Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology: All this happens to be shit.

If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.

Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.

Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

Lubavitcher Hassidism:

Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most holy Shit to happen.

Mithraism: Bull shit happens.

Branch Davidianism:

May shit happen to the FBI!

If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...

David thinks he's hot shit.

Divorcism: She's full of shit!

He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.

... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Creation Science:

Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?

Spam: Spam happens.

SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to

MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Shit Happens In Other Various Ways

Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

You may only shit during coffee breaks.

An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?

This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.

Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe.

Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:

Relatives are Shit.

Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I don't know anything about it.

Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.

I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!

Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.

This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.

Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

I have a shit...

Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.

James Tiberius Kirk:... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before...

Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Shakespeare: To shit or not to shit, that is the question.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.

Dictatorship of the shit.

Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Americanism: Who gives a shit?

Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Epicureanism: Shit happens - in moderation.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

Shit happening is absurd.

Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism: What shit?

Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism:

I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism: Fish.

Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.

Masochism: Do shit to ME.

Sadism: I will shit on you!

Dyslexia: Tihs happens.

Shit Happens To Computers

Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Database: Where is that shit?

Compiler: I don't care if it's shit, as long as it has semicolons in the right places.

UNIX: Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.

IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.

X/Motif: That's another client's shit.

PDP-11: It used to be good shit...

Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't need a supercomputer...

Macintosh: ('nuff said)

Pascal: Hey! That shit's the wrong type!

C: It's shit, but it's efficient.

C++: It's shit that's in a class by itself.

Assembler: 0x000000: 53 68 69 74 20 48 61 70 70 65 6E 73 21

Ada: It's a PACKAGE of shit, AND it's PRIVATE shit.

Lisp: (defun Does_Shit_Happen(exp)(cond(t t)))

Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol: IT-IS-DEFINITELY-OLD-SHIT, BUT-IT'S-JOB-SECURITY.

BASIC: It's shit.

Shit Happens According To The Philospohers

Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?

Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?

Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?

I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):

The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre: Shit is meaningless!

What is shit, anyway?

Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol.

Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.

Shit Happens In Various Professions

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Damn this shit smells...

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.

(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit.

Let all that shit go.

This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.

Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:

Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian: The same shit happens again and again.

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

If you elect me, shit will never again happen.

Shit happening is bad for the economy.

My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector:

This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.

Shit, I wish I thought of that.

Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share.

Ode to a Grecian Shit.

My love is like a red, red shit.

... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

Shit Happens To Your Pets

Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit.

I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.

When I catch a car, it will shit!

Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?

Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.

Dogs are shit.

I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit.

Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

The Laws Of Thermodynamics For Sanitation Engineers

0th: There is shit.

1st: You can't get rid of it.

2nd: It gets deeper.

3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
(Updated [February 23, 1994])
Compiled by Harold Reynolds

1. INTRODUCTION

The following is a list of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible.

2. FOOD

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.

e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all. (Adapted from a contribution by Steven Woodford)

f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it. (From Lisa Abildskov)

h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box. (Adapted from a contribution by Dave Blackburn)

3. WATER

Water would be really great if it wasn't so *WET*! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.

4. SLEEPING

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans - if the cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other. (From Jamie Hilverding)

B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are several ways of registering your disapproval.

a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep in it - so why should you?

b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night" expression.

c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure to surprise them - as is the length of time you can do this without getting hoarse.

d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they've closed it again. (From Catherine Wightwick)

5. PLAY

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

5.1 GAMES

a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.

WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster. (Based on suggestions by Phillip Lafleur and David Blackburn)

e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it. (From Lisa Abildskov)

f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue ("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."

If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.

For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game.

The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box. (Written by Julian Vrieslander)

g) "Rumpus Raising"

Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.

Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...

Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.

Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects knocked over! (Adapted from Carolyn Devries)

h) "Skiing"

This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs. (Based on a suggestion by Karen Davis)

5.2 TOYS

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real" cat. (From Jamie Hilverding)

6. HAMPERING

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". The following are some guidelines for "hampering".

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket--the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.

j) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down. (Based on suggestions by Karen Davis)

1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.

2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.

3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.

4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.

5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.

6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs again. This game can be played for hours.

7. SCRATCHING POSTS

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish. (Based on suggestions by Elizabeth Worden and Jules May)

8. THE VACUUM CLEANER

This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

9. DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

10. HUMANS

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.

One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of its human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence. (Based on an idea from Paul Gilbert)

10.1 WAKING THEM UP

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.

One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so. (Based on suggestions by Megan McGuire and Jules May)

WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

10.2 MORNINGS

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the blaring noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing. (Based on suggestions by From Derrick Kirk and Lisa Abildskov)

10.3 GUESTS

a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

10.4 LAPS

Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding--be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

11. VETS AND MEDICINE

The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.

b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over. (Includes a suggestion by Thomas G. DiSessa)

12. ILLNESS

a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.

c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip. (Parts b) and c) from Jamie Hilverding)

d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet. (Based on a suggestion by David Blackburn)

13. CAT "CLUBS"

When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many.

a) The "Lap Fungus" Club Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also LAPS. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."

b) The "Chatterbox" Club Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"

c) The "Garbage Truck" Club Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"

d) The "Elephant Cat" Club It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus Raising" (see GAMES) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face when..."

e) The "Bed Hog" Club Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than one club member, skilled cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!" (Parts c-e from suggestions by Sandy Feldman)

f) The "Early Breakfast" Club Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom at some early hour, say, 1am. They then awaken the human (see WAKING THEM UP and MORNINGS) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: "Life begins after midnight."

g) The "Door Into Summer" Club This Club mainly does its activities during the cold months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See HAMPERING for suggestions. Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back." (Parts f-g based on suggestions by Matthew Lecher)

14. CONCLUSION

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

----------------------------------- Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, harold@atm.dal.ca.

Original Author(s) UNKNOWN. (If anybody knows, tell me!)

Based on a posting by Vickie Burtch with additions from the files of Connie Kleinjans and myself: Harold Reynolds, (harold@atm.dal.ca). Material created based on suggestions is noted, with the suggestor's name.

Canonical List of Mommy Mommy Jokes

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?

Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?

Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?

Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.

Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?

Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?

Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!

Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?

Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?

I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.

Billy, let go of Susie's ear.

Billy! Let go of her ear!

All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.

Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?

Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.

Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!

Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.

Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.

Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or

should I go out an play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?

Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?

Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!

Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.

Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!

Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!

Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!

Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!

Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!

Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?

Shut up son, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?

Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

OK boys, same again...

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?

Shut up and chew!

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.

Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?

You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?

Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?

Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!

Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.

Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?

Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!

Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!

Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!

Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!

Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!

Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?

Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!

Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?

Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!

Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?

mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

President	Faster than a speeding bullet	Stronger than a locomotive	Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound	Walks on water	Talks with God
Vice-president	Can keep up with speeding bullets	Wins tug-of-war against small trains	Can leap tall buildings with favorable winds	Walks on water on calm days	Talks with God by appointment only
Jr. Vice-president	Carries a MAC-10 at all times	Pulls trains with his teeth	Leaps small buildings with running start	Walks on water in indoor swimming pools	God occasionally grants requests for a talk
Division Manager	Carries a sawed-off shotgun when in bad end of town	Owns his own train	Climbs up the sides of buildings	Competes in Olympics doing the Butterfly	Catches a glimpse of God every now and then
Project Director	Is not issued live ammunition	Is afraid of trains	Climbs up and down the fire escape	Swims well	Has a picture of God on his desk
Office Manager	Carries cap gun	Has a model train set in his basement	Uses front and rear doors of building	Can dog-paddle	Always carries a cross in case of vampire attack
Programming Supervisor	Needs assistance when refilling his water-gun	Chases trains (and cars)	Gets stuck in revolving doors	Wears life-jacket whenever near water	Says his prayers every night and before nap-time
System Programmer	Catches speeding bullets with his teeth	Kicks trains off the tracks	Picks up buildings and walks under them	Moves lakes out of his way	He is God

Performance	Quality	Timeliness	Initiative	Adaptibility	Communication
Superior performance	Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.	Is faster than a speeding bullet.	Is stronger than a locomotive.	Walks on water.	Talks with God.
Far Exceeds Job Requirements	Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings.	Is as fast as a speeding bullet.	Is stronger than a bull elephant.	Walks on water in emergencies.	Talks with the Angels.
Exceeds Job Requirements	Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals.	Not as fast as a speeding bullet.	Is stronger than a bull.	Washes with water.	Talks to himself.
Meets Job Requirements	Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them.	Would you believe a slow bullet.	Shoots the bull.	Drinks water.	Argues with himself.
Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements	Cannot recognize buildings at all; what's more cannot jump.	Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot.	Smells like a bull.	Passes water in emergencies.	Loses arguments with self.

They Write	They Mean
It has long been known that...	I haven't bothered to look up the original reference
of great theoretical and practical importance	interesting to me
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions.	The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
High purity... Very high purity... Extremely high purity... Super-purity... Spectroscopically pure...	Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier
The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior...	The fellow in the next lab had some already made up
A fiducial reference line...	A scratch
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study	The results of the others didn't make sense and were ignored..
handled with extreme care during the experiments	not dropped on the floor
Typical results are shown	The best results are shown
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph that...	It is impossible to tell from the micrograph
Presumably at longer times...	I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent	fair
good	poor
satisfactory	doubtful
fair	imaginary
as good as could be expected	non-existant
Correct within an order of magnitude	wrong
These results will be reported at a later date	I might get around to this sometime
The most reliable values are those of Jones	He was a student of mine
It is suggested that... It is believed that... It may be that...	I think...
It is generally believed that....	I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall now raise it.
It is clear that much additional work will be required before acomplete understanding...	I don't understand it
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated	Neither does anybody else
It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field	This paper isn't very good but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.